Could I have caused this???

by april
(st louis mo)

My son is 3 months shy of turning 3 years old, he is a 'free spirit' according to my entire family. But he doesn't talk so very much. I have been worried for some time about his speech, at his 2 year old appointment, his pediatrician said that they would 'keep an eye on it'. Well, at first I waited, but the flurry of words never came, he only says around 20-30 words and half of those are the same word that has 2 different meanings (nook means either book or nose depending on what he wants it to mean). He also has a 9 month old sister who babbles almost as well as he does, so I have been getting increasingly distressed.

I contacted our local Parents as Teachers and had an evaluator come out, she referred us to our local FIRST STEPS. They had an evaluator come out, and we were thinking that this was just for a speech impairment, like a developmental delay. Well, the first steps lady seems to think he has a sensory processing disorder and is sending out an occupational therapist to evaluate him then we are going to be developing an IEP.

I have a pediatrician appt for him in a few weeks, and the OT should be coming before that.

I have been reading and it does seem that some of the symptoms/things on the check list are my son to a T.

I am scared that I am making something out of nothing, searching for a disorder that isnt there just to explain the high spirited/ hard hardheadedness of my son (I also have a 10 year old who is the polar opposite of my younger son).

In reading on this site, I want to cry because I am scared that my son does indeed have a sensory disorder. AND most of that is because I am afraid that my shortcomings as a parent have somehow caused this. I worked alot (Primary breadwinner for a family of 5) and his father took care of him. I love his dad to death, but I always been concerned that he didn't do things with our child the 'right' way. That he didn't cuddle, or play with him as much as I thought the baby should have been. The way I would have. Then when I got home from work tired and still needing to do the housework and cook, etc. I feel like I could have been a more attentive mother, but I left him to play by himself (he always was contented to do so) in his playpen while I attended to other things. It is killing me to admit to anyone that I feel this guilt that I was not attentive enough to my son. He never was hungry, or dirty, or uncared for physically, but what if I didn't spend enough TIME with him? He never wanted to be cuddled, so he wasn't very often.

Did I cause this to happen to him? Am I to blame? Even partway? I read that lack of stimulation during key developmental time periods could be a cause, and I worry that this is the case with my son. But at the same time, he never wanted to be held, and was always a fussy baby (colicky).

Does it get better? Is this something that can be 'cured' or overcome? Or is it more like teaching coping mechanisms that will be used throughout his life?