Does anyone else have a spouse that refuses to recognize SPD is a legitimate issue???

by LM
(Pinellas Park, FL)

My husband has been in denial since the beginning. Just because our son is so very very smart he thinks that there's nothing wrong. He blames it on him being an only child, or that I am too easy on him or any number of reasons except the truth. He refuses to go to therapy with us, ever (we have been going for over a year).

In front of our son he goes back and forth on the topic. Sometimes he will refer to the SPD and ask if he has done his brushing or whatever the case may be. Other times when he is frustrated with our son's behaviors he will announce that "you can quit using the sensory stuff as an excuse because it is all crap".

It is breaking my heart. Our son knows the truth, he is after all scary smart. But I know it hurts him as it hurts me.

Have any of you experienced this? Have you been able to bring the other party around? If so, how?

Thanks so much, LM

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Aug 26, 2008
some fathers are too proud, but take heart
by: Melissa C

Mental/emotional abuse is certainly an issue, but I think many parents refuse to believe there is anything "wrong" with their child out of pride. My husband thinks our daughter is perfect because she is very smart and adorable and otherwise healthy. He does not think a 2-year-old who eats nothing but baby food and yogurt is out of the ordinary. You have to get the therapy for your child though. I took my daughter to be diagnosed. I signed her up for early intervention. I take off work to be at home during feeding times when the OT and ST come to the house. The only thing that has helped my husband understand a little is when I tell him that having this sensory processing disorder is not a sign of a lack of intelligence and when I tell him that we owe it to our daughter to help her in whatever ways we can. Try to phrase everything in terms of the love your husband feels for the child and minimize the things he has to do since he probably won't do them anyway.

May 26, 2008
I understand
by: Gail

My husband will say similiar things. He will say that my son is not going to run our family with this stuff, ect. ect. I have prayed hard about it and continue to do so. He complains about the cost of OT, but will smoke. Than he will ask questions, but just does not get it. I am going to have him meet with the OT so he can understand what is going on. It really depends on his mood on how he is about the subject.

It is very frustrating to me as a mother and wife. I could not imagine doing anything for my child that would help him. I think with men it is a pride thing, I am not sure.

If you would like to e-mail me directly so we could talk that would be great.

I live in Leesburg Florida.


May 22, 2008
Your Children Are Most Important...
by: Jessi

I highly encourage any woman who is dealing with something like this to go on the internet and research emotional/mental abuse. I was in a marriage where everything was my fault for about 3 years. I was very strongly opposed to divorce, but I left so fast BECAUSE of my child.

It's my understanding that many abused women stay in the relationship for 10+ years, so I feel lucky that I got away. I refused to have my son grow up in a home where his mother was constantly criticized and I cringed at the thought of my son treating any other woman that way later on.

My ex doesn't exactly come out and say that he thinks SPD doesn't exist, but he does absolutely nothing to try and help it either. He doesn't keep him on a schedule, and when AJ was still non-verbal (he has serious language delay on top of the SPD) and we were introduced to the picture schedule - which is by the way a WONDERFUL tool - I would send pictures to my ex and they would come back at the end of his weekend untouched.

A marriage should be a partnership, not a battleground. By your husband discrediting you child's diagnosis - he is also discrediting you and your parenting. The fact that you have sought out help for your child means that YOU are a good parent, and by him telling both of you it's not even real means that he is not. I am engaged right now to a man that goes above and beyond to help me implement what I learn from AJ's occupational and speech therapists at home.

My son isn't even his flesh and bone, and he does more for my son than his father ever has. Some people will read this and just think I'm one of those "abused woman" fanatics - but I'll tell you, abuse is so much more common than people realize (or want to). Just because someone doesn't beat you doesn't mean they aren't abusing you - and a lot of studies on abused women have reported that women who were both physically and mentally abused said the mental/emotional abuse was WORSE!

I've found a great resource for anyone who maybe doesn't realize they're being abused, but knows something is horribly wrong (I didn't realize I was being abused until after I left)... it's a book called Why Does He Do That - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. The author has worked with abusive men for 15+ years - what makes the book different from others is because he worked with abusive men rather than with the abused woman. He learned a lot about how they think and their methods.

I know that I'm way off topic from SPD - but how effectively can we help our children if we have someone constantly undermining what we're trying to do? You don't have to do anything drastic, just read up on it and see if it even applies to you. My wish is that no woman would ever have to go through what I and thousands of other women have.

Good luck to you. Please feel free to email me directly if you ever want to.

May 21, 2008
spouse in denial
by: kc anon

My husband is the same way. He is an enabler and at the same time refuses to acknowledge that there is ever anything wrong with my son who is now 18. Or when my daughters became depressed and thought of cutting, he minimizes everything. He hates the fact that his children are "not perfect" & that what ever is wrong with them is because of ME... I have fought in this marriage and stayed way too long for the children.

I have had to go behind his back and get them help and medication because he is in denial. My son was diagnosed with Asperger on 09-11.. He has also been diagnosed w/ ADHD as well as my youngest. Of course it is all because of me. I deal with a lot of health issues, but after reading about SI/SPD, I wonder if we haven't all been misdiagnosed and am on all the wrong medications. I hear your frustration....

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