How do I reduce the mental burnout?

by akadi

so, let me give a bit of a rundown..Im 25, male and all that. a few years ago i finally came to comprehend this. See id always "known" id had this one major issue, but used to think others did too. That it was normal.

That condition is a total lack of pleasurable or comforting or any other nice tactile thing. But not numbness. Its been replaced with horrific pain. I found that out around...5, 6 years ago. That it was really a bad bad thing. And it annoyed me a lot, frustrated me some. answered some questions too of course but that didnt matter.

But only very recently did the true comprehension set in. for years ive seen the issue but in a detached manner, as just watching it all go by, ive been far too in 'shock' to put it together. And then, one day I did. a bolt out of the blue, as it were.

I realized on that day, that the thing i wanted most..a person to love and be with in any capacity...Was unattainable. I cant even be hugged without causing serious pain. like chewing on tinfoil, it sets off huge bursts of pain. I now will pull away as reflex for even the slightest touch.

And my life more or less came to a screeching halt at that point. I cant even really remember the last year, just that it was full of panic attacks, sorrow, and desperate attempts to not be mad at myself..a very hard thing..

So thats where this story ends, for now. Because I can do nothing more but repeat "Successfully suppressed throwing up when thinking about the pain which will never cease." or "managed to hide tears from those who care about me, since i dont want to be a fuss.

At this point it is taking all of my mental resources to just keep from collapsing into madness. How can I do anything..anything at all..lke this?

and uhm...This may sound odd but...I seem to be unable to laugh. this issue, and the extreme depression, both started a while after a trampoline launched me into a six foot deep concrete drainage ditch. Yeah i was knocked out.

I am incapable of adequately ending a conversation in any situation. So, consider this that, and sorry you had to read my Panic Wall of Text.

I will try to respond later on. I may be too embarrassed of what i wrote here to do so. I hope not though.