Mom has it worse than son?

(Columbus Ohio)

Never diagnosed, people just said it looks like Autism about my son. Meanwhile my whole life I have been deeply affected by annoying people around me and no one ever mentioned anything wrong with me. Except a note from my kindergarten teacher telling my mother I was having great difficulty learning how to skip, which meant absolutely nothing to us. I also had a pedal fire truck I could not get in and peddle all the way up until I outgrew it. (This is sounding like "it's all about me!" and it is, but I'm getting round to my un-diagnosed son).

I was labeled a slow learner in grade school where I did so well in math I was promoted to the "smart kids" class, but did so poorly interacting with those competitive meanies, they put me right back into the "dummies" class were I was much more comfortable helping my friends.

Looking at my son is like looking at myself through a magnifying lens and the magnification of his problems, he is already burning up, whereas it has taken me 40 odd years simply to burn out.

Except for sex, which I can never get enough of, I only want to seclude myself from people, who for the most, want to be mean, degrading, frustrate, take from me, and annoy me for their kicks, no matter their age and especially those with Master's degrees, because I only have a Bachelor's. I feel irritated if anyone enters the room. I listen to their words and hear their ego talk, talk, talk, all about themselves and their perspective. Uk!

I hear my inner voice speak to them and of anyone "Just shut up and go away! The world is better off with just flowers and butterflies!"


Now my 7 year old son who seems to me like the world's next Joran van der Sloot, no matter how I pour myself out trying to correct him with reasoning (#1) and discipline (last resort), he is defiant of my best efforts. I am more than ready to go hide my head in the sand.

Have my van packed with tent, cooler, and $2000 hidden under the seats for gas. I have no place to go except to hippie camp. It's been ready for my run away for over a year. I take comfort just in knowing I can leave whenever I want to. My father abandoned us when I was 7 and I never got over it, nor of wanting men while mistrusting and hating men. But now I too feel like abandoning my role as a parent. I'm doing my best to deal. My neighbor wants to be friends and asks why I never come over for coffee. I can't think of the right words to tell her, I only want to be left alone. One more anything from anyone and I will let it all out and scream my head off.

If there were any such thing as men in a truck with straight jackets surely they are late and way past due for me; so what's the point in believing in them any longer?

As far as getting any outside help goes, here is an article about 42 families receiving State funding while 1,074 wait on a list http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2008/03/19/AUTISMBUCKS.ART_ART_03-19-08_A1_9V9MG03.html?sid=101