Spencer And My Journey

by Carra Connors
(Everett, Washington, USA)

Hi my name is Carra and I have the most beautiful son named Spencer. He is my life, my world. He saved my life. When I found out I was pregnant I was in addiction using drugs. Then I found out I was having him and that's when my I cleaned up my life. I went to treatment, and I decided he was more important than the life I was leading.

When I brought him home he was so beautiful and so precious. But within weeks I knew there was something not right. He only slept like 16 hours a day, he would dig in his scalp and make himself bleed and not cry. It seemed like he was doing this to keep himself awake? He avoided all eye contact, he really only liked to be held to be fed, otherwise he pretty much wanted to be left alone; he hated swaddling and fought it.

So at about 3 months old I was able to gain a referral to my local children's center where he was tested and diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. That's when the OT therapy started and the problems really began. The non-stop crying, the inabilty to fall asleep on his own. Sinse then he's been delayed in every major milestone and most of the small ones as well.

Everyday is a battle to do just the basics such as bath, dress, brush teeth, comb hair. I wake up in the mornings and I prepare to go to war because that's what it feels like for me. On a daily basis I live with guilt, and shame, and anger at myself because I wonder if these were problems that I created with my past choices? Am I just a bad parent? I sometimes wonder if he even loves me because he's always mad.

I wonder, is the therapy working? I don't think it is. I think he has a lot more going on than SPD. We do pressure therapy everyday; we do brushing and joint compressions, I just don't see that it is helping.

So now we begin another part of journey into finding what else is going on. He is beginning a 3 day assessment at the University of Washington, and for the first time in a long time I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope they are able to help me. This website has been invaluable in helping me gain the knowledge and support I need. In dealing with my son, I have come to realize that I have some sensory problems as well-- things I never realized until very recently, like with noise, textures, temperatures, and a few others.

Thank you for letting me tell my story.