What to do with 2 opposite SPD children?

by Krimzon
(VA, USA)

Hello. I am a single mother of two children, a daughter who is 8 years old, and a son who is 17 months old.

My son was recently diagnosed with SPD, and we are starting to begin treatment.

My daughter however was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, anxiety and depression some time ago. I have always questioned this because she only shows a few signs of ADHD. Not completely. When I read information on SPD for my son, I literally sat here in tears, not for my son, but because of my daughter. It was perfectly clear to me that she actually has SPD and has been suffering through ineffective education, treatment and medication for no reason. Of course I am having a very difficult time with the doctors because they "couldn't have possibly made a mistake, it is surely ADHD. I'm just an overactive parent."

The problem also is this, my children are at opposite ends of the spectrum. They have some similarities, both:

hate clothes, especially socks, long sleeves, grooming, bath time, brushing teeth, undergarments or diapers, (they both would go around naked if I would let them), over-eating and digestive problems, sleeping problems, mood swings and tempers. Both are extremely clumsy, and very destructive. Both rock, prefer certain types of blankets and clothing. Both would hit their heads against the wall as infants and hide.

Here is how they differ:

My daughter doesn't like hugs and close affection, only when it is initiated by herself. My son however has to be held very tightly, to the point it hurts my arms.

My daughter is an avid risk taker, where as my son won't even touch grass and will completely meltdown, and excessively shake all over with the slightest change in position.

My daughter likes groups, but doesn't play well with others because she has to completely control everything, where as my son has a complete nervous breakdown anytime someone walks in the room or if I walk out of it.

My daughter prefers to turn the TV completely up, music blaring, screaming and tantrums, my son however "again" has a complete nervous breakdown if you just says his name too loud or a door shuts loudly.

My daughter is very destructive to herself. Writing on herself, tearing her clothing or rubbing food on them, scratching, hitting her head or legs. My son however does this to other people, biting, hitting, pinching, scratching.

My daughter doesn't like hot foods, where my son doesn't like cold foods. They both over-eat however, can never seem to get full.

Ok, finally getting to the point. First, how can I get more help from the doctors and other people such as family without them always just turning and pointing their finger at me, like I'm just a worried my mom and it's all my fault. Second, how do you live happily in one home with two children who have different SPD needs, without neglecting either one, and without driving myself insane. Because believe me, I'm almost there.

Any advice is appreciated! Thank you :)