Could this be my problem?

by Emma

Ever sinc I can remember, I've had problems with my attention span and motivation to complete things. I've had several instruments that I was intent on learning to play yet after a few attempts as I cannot read music, they end up in a cupboard and eventually get sold. It's he same with crafts I've lots of tools to do things like wood turning, painting, crochet, all with the hope that I can become good and not have to work for anyone else, the same happens or nobody buys my items so I give up. I can def say I'm a jack of all trades, master of none, I've worked for 13 years and have done 3 different caring jobs, graded carrots, packed frozen burgers, office work, sales, trained to be a car mechanic, windscreen chip repairs, stacking shelves in a store, and I start each job with enthusiasm and after a few weeks I'm so fed up with my tasks that my blood boils.

I've just bought a home learning accounting course and I hope I do it from start to finish unlike the cake decorating course I stopped attending half way through. I hate that I am this way and I envy anyone who has managed to complete courses or who have been in their job for a number of years and are happy.

I panic at the thought of crowded places or people visiting my house, I feel dread if people arrive unannounced. My hands look like a 90 year olds because I wash them so many times a day. If I go out I must know that there is a toilet nearby as my anxiety level increases so a walk in the countryside is just a dream

for me, I can be particular about tasks and how they are done and if my poor husband does something eg filling the dishwasher, and I don't like the way he's done it, I change things around so more stuff will fit, I can't leave something once I've spotted it, like if there's i crumb or dust on my iPad screen I'll pause what I'm doing to get rid of it.

I've been to the doctor over the years with ibs, anxiety problems and was told I've agoraphobia, after reading this I don't think he's even scratched the surface. I just want to be good at something and stick to it. And I want to do it without feeling that I need help from anyone.

Here is a list of things I've tried and abandoned in the past:

Chalk pastels
Water colours
Cake decorating
Car detailing
Story writing

I have wasted hundreds of pounds on my abandoned hobbies and self employed career dreams. I would like to achieve any of the below:

Play an entire song on an instrument I like
Run a successful business of my own
Cook a meal everyday and enjoy doing it
Decorate a room from start to finish
Become a master archer
Build my own furniture
Paint pieces that I can have printed and sell
Lots more

All of these things are so achievable and how many will I achieve? Probably none. On thing I feel better about today is that other people feel this way and it's not just me Being lazy. I hate the though that it might coincide with depression. I don't know what to do or who to speak to next.

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