I think there's something wrong with my son

by Debbie
(Canada)

My son is 15 years old now and these problems have been going on, at least some of them, since he was an infant. I have never sought out help because my husband thinks it is "silly" and that there is nothing wrong with our son. I think he's in denial.

Here's my story:

When my son was born, he was born through an emergency Caesarean section. I was 34 years old (he's my first born).

For the first few weeks, he seemed to be always hungry. I couldn't breast feed, so we bottle fed, but the nurses in the nursery said he was a "trouble maker" because he cried constantly and always seemed hungry. But when we got him home, he seemed to do a little better and would at least sleep more. Until the age of 6 weeks. Suddenly he became colicky. He would NEVER sleep longer than 20 minutes at a stretch and when he was awake, he spent almost all of his awake time crying. He HAD to be held EVERY minute or rocked EVERY minute or he wouldn't stop crying. At night when we would put him to bed, we had a whole ritual that required singing and rocking him and very gently, removing one arm at a time while gingerly moving him to his crib. As soon as he felt himself leaving my arms (or my husband's arms) he would cry. We often had to sleep in his room with him, but he ALWAYS awoke after 20 minutes. This went on all night, every night, until he was 3 years old. Then he would want us to rock him and sing to him and lie down with him. But at least then he began sleeping for longer periods of time. The doctor told us it was severe colic and nothing could be done. Then at around age 5 he was diagnosed with encopresis. This is a condition where people cannot control their bowels and they get constipated and then eventually, it comes out in a hard lump and smear in their pants (at least that was our experience). We had terrible trouble toilet training him. He wasn't trained until age 5. Still had pee accidents on occasion until age 10. He has a high I.Q. and was walking at 11 months and said his first word - cookie - at 11 months as well. Was speaking full sentences at 13 months.

He began telling lies at age 5 and, today at age 15, he STILL lies - even about little things that don't matter and don't require a lie.

He always wanted to be the leader and have everything his own way. He would change the rules in games midway through and upset everyone.

He was teased and severely bullied from 3rd grade all the way through the 7th grade. He never really had any friends. A few acquaintances over the years that have come and gone, and one good friend that he remained friends with from 4th grade to 7th grade. All his other "friends" and acquaintances got sick of his neediness and his need to have everything his way. They got sick of him changing rules and basically cheating in all his games. He always had to win. The bullying was so severe that we had to change schools in 8th grade. The bullying was mostly verbal and emotional, though there were a few incidents of physical violence against him. We went to the school and the school board, and they did nothing. They blamed him and said he "provoked" this in other children. They said he didn't "fit in" and, when the other boys (14 of them) kicked him in the groin and gave him a black eye, the school said "boys will be boys". My son never fought back, at least not physically. He took tae kwan do to help boost his self-esteem. The other boys would go out of their way to get him in trouble by lying. In fact, at one point, they told a lie about him inappropriately touching other children all the time. He was in 5th grade at the time and they had just learned about sex education. The kids who told this lie were the ones who had bullied him since 3rd grade. The rumour spread and child and family services officials were called because the teachers believed the lie. When child and family services conducted their investigation, the 14 children admitted that they had made the whole thing up. They said the "hated" my son and hoped that by accusing him of sexually inappropriate behaviour he would be expelled. Some of the kids said they wished he would kill himself.

He is a warm and funny child, but there is something wrong. I can't get anyone to listen.

He is disrespectful to me sometimes, though NEVER to my husband. He is angry ALL the time. He NEVER takes personal responsibility for anything. It is always somebody else's fault. Even when you catch him doing something, he will outright deny he did it, even if you SEE him doing it. He always has an excuse for everything.

He was ALWAYS in trouble here at home for something. I admit I didn't always handle things very well. I would get impatient and angry on a regular basis and I yelled quite frequently. I have tried to stop this over the years but my frustration level with him is off the charts.

One day, when he got in trouble here at home for lying, he said he was a "mistake" and should never have been born. This made me so very sad and I cried. I told him that we went to a fertility clinic to get pregnant because we wanted him so badly. His self-esteem is very low. He brags a lot about himself to cover for this.

Now he is in 9th grade and, fortunately, has a large group of friends who seem to accept him. If he is being bullied or teased, he is not telling us. He doesn't tell us anything anymore (which I know is part of being a teenager). He is a straight A student and is involved in boy scouts, swimming, leaders, volunteering at both the YMCA and a retirement residence. He LOVES school. He LOVES video games, almost to the exclusion of everything else. He is obsessed with video games. I limit his time to 1 hour per night for video games, but if I didn't, he would spend all night on them. He seems to have no interest in dating girls or boys. He doesn't go anywhere with his friends, he just texts them. If I ask him ANY kind of question, or make a request for him to do something, he gets angry at me (but not his dad). I am the disciplinarian so I think that is a big part of it. His dad is more his "friend". He keeps threatening to move out at age 18 because he "hates" it here.

On the other end of the scale, I have a beautiful, intelligent 14 year old daughter who is cheerful and happy almost all the time. She is NEVER disrespectful and she is ALWAYS helpful. She never complains about anything. She loves to help me and her dad and she is wise beyond her years. She is surrounded by a group of friends all the time and seems to be their leader. She is kind and loving and volunteers with small children, animals, and the elderly. In math and french she is a B or C student but gets A's in all of her other subjects. She is a straight shooter and a good kid. She NEVER lies, always takes responsibility for her actions, and has a good head on her shoulders. She is more of a quiet leader whereas my son is more of a follower.

I have suggested we take my son to counselling (I suggested this back when he was in 3rd grade and on a constant basis since then). My husband REFUSES. He says there is nothing wrong. My son doesn't want to go to counseling either. I cannot force him to go as I do not drive (health reasons) so I cannot take him without my husband's knowledge.

How can 2 children from the same family be so different?

What is wrong with my son?

Help me please.