My eyes are open.. im listening.. and confirmation on what i already knew... score 72+

by marina
(minneapolis minnesota)

ill be 27 in 2 weeks. since i can remember i was extremely sensitive to my environment. i was very attached to my mom, but others i didnt trust and still dont trust people or their touch. not completely. ive noticed that despite scoring 72, there are so many things i WOULD check because they bother me, but ive dealt with so much judgment and confusion, from myself and others that ive either numbed myself out to a degree to survive or its the medications that numb me out. i have chronic pain(migraines/tension headaches/neck pain, all over pain and have began to understand why i started HURTING all over so easily. central hypersensitization. its also a diagnosis when the nervous system is overwhelmed and signals in the brain become scrambled.

ive been diagnosed so many different things i think its a joke. ive always known im a highly sensitive person, not just 'emotional', but can feel what others feel around me, i know things and i dont know why. a 'spiritual' view would be im so highly sensitive to ENERGY around me and i dont know how to buffer myself, or block it out, like most people can naturally do. this is just more confirmation when my gut said the last 12+ years that the docs were wrong. i took the meds, and im on the ones that help me 'survive' in this world, but not ..thrive. not feel like i can relax and breathe. i feel like i have to sleep with one eye open.ive been told its sensory defensiveness, which makes me not only on guard with lights and sound around me, but creates a dear and defensiveness with PEOPLE. this feels VERY TRUE. all i can say is ive known im sensitive on a level very few understand, and im relieved to see there's 'diagnosis' that fit ME....

i dont like labels, probably partially because none of them FIT ME, but i hope this kind of knowledge becomes well known and soon. ive been struggling trying to understand how to live since i can remember. i was a daily drinker for 6+ years and have done everything i can think of to escape or numb myself to the world.. but not because i dont like the world.. because its overwhelming.

there was a book given to me when i checked myself into the hospital cause i was EXHAUSTED and the doc that had MENTIONED i might have this worked there(he was not in the hospital, a horrible doctor was on my floor). the book was called i think, too light, too bright, to fast, too tight. i read the beginning and the check list of things that bothered a person with this as a kid. suddenly the panic attacks in the car wash or on an escalator made sense, or how i had a temper tantrum when in a crowded store, or how my socks had to me JUST SO every morning... how i refused to wear jeans till i was in the 6th grade because i hated how they felt on my skin.

... my only question is now how to i FULLY understand this, and seek the best providers to help with sensory integration. its a frustrating journey, but i feel relieved. EVEN if all the symptoms dont fit, i realize thats ok.. i noticed during parts of my life, certain things were VERY TRUE, now those things seem opposite. or changes depending on environment.. highly sensitive people is a good thing to research also. it talks about how people hat are so sensitive use more seratonin to process all the input to their systems and usually creates depression.. plus the sensitive person starts to feel mostly the NEGATIVE energy, or environmental stimulation (especially with people) and cant feel the JOY.. it was explained it was the lack of seratonin and the person not having the same ANTENAS almost, for joy and love and feel safe..

thankful for this site and others are out there. i was given a book title to look up today called 'living with intensity'.. i have not looked into it, but from what it sounds like, its about people with high IQ's that have sensitivity on different levels (i think they rate it 1-5) and how it affects daily living.. i hope others keep searching for what fits for THEM. doctors are very fast to write down a label, and patients i believe should have as much info as possible to be an advocate for their care, with healing and learning to live with peace in this world...

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