by Monica jandernoa
(Grand Rapids , MI)
Hi. My name is monica. I have spd. I didn't realize I had spd until I gave birth to a beautiful boy w spd. In my quest to help him. I found out where he got it from. My son and I both have good days and bad days. It s hard. I think my spd was more manageable before I became a mother because I had more control over my environment. But I still can see my spd , looking back , before I was a mother and diagnosed.
But I thought the symptoms were character flaws. I feel emotional often when my spd symptoms are heightened or if my sons spd symptoms are heightened. Because it s so hard and most people don't understand what we go through. It s lonely. And the fall is always so hard for some reason. Sometimes I feel terrible because I wonder if my spd get s in the way sometimes with my son and being able to soothe him. I think because I was diagnosed as an adult that I have a lot of feelings about myself that are wrong. I don't always think I m weird or bad. But sometimes I feel bad or like something is wrong with me when I can't manage during a situation that people without spd can. Or when I explain my spd and people act like it s b.s. Still working through this. Still working on loving me and understanding myself and my son even when people I try to educate aren't positive or open. Still trying to correct the years of negative self talk because of my own thoughts and other people s words .
I m working on thinking Instead that my brain is different. My sons brain is different. I m not bad or spoiled or inflexible. He is not bad or spoiled or inflexible. My husband and I aren't bad parents. I ve started to more understand my spd. ( and my Sons) And why I avoid certain situations.
I ve started occupational therapy. But I still struggle at times (
especially during the fall ; augh! don't know why the fall is such a nightmare .for myself and my son ! We live in Michigan. You d think the crazy winters would be more of a problem . Nope ) with coping and keeping my symptoms manageable. I ve become really good over the years at masking them. At pretending that I am sick because of sensory shut down / or fatigue . or i just plain hide or when I really freak out i tell close family and friends I NEED QUIET TiME. ( meaning no
More language processing please )
I Especially hate my auditory sensitivities. I also struggle at times with the judgement I receive when I can't be there for a family get together.s because of sensory hangover ( words I got from an spd blog that described how u feel after too many social activities ) I find my spd to still be very unpredictable . Probably because my son and I can trigger each other. Who knows.
I also feel weary at times with judgement towards my sweet boy. Who can have meltdowns because of overstimulation. He has overcome so much. And I am truly grateful. There was a time that going out in public. Or attending a social situation was either impossible or a total nightmare. I have family tree therapies in Grand Rapids to thank for all of his progress. But as a mother. You know it cuts like a knife when someone misunderstands your child. And maybe it does for me more because it happened to me as a child. But I think anyone can relate to the hurt and frustration from being misunderstood and judged .
So anyway this is my story. Still a chaos. But I m learning. And I have my little spd pumpkin to thank. Because if it wasn't for him. I d still be a " weirdo" instead of an spd kid just like him who deserves love. Acceptance. Respect and is more than spd. Thank you for letting me share my story. It s been a crazy ride