Want to be touched but can't bear it
Thanks for a great site! It has been really amazing to read all the entries. So comforting to realise I'm not the only person with this problem. I knew I had this problem for many years but didn't know even what to call it until in the course of my work (I work in Health Care) I happened to hear it mentioned on a training-course and recognised that it explained my problem.
My main issue seems to be related to the touch sense. Thankfully, I have no problems with labels on clothes or different textures or clothing. I do like deep pressure and prefer heavy blankets, but I can live without them too. That's why I always wondered was it somehow psychological as I have no problem touching myself, it's only when other people touch me.
I CAN bear to be touched from my knees down to my feet,from my elbows to my hands and on my face/scalp and upper back.... anywhere else I CAN'T BEAR to be touched... it's just an automatic reaction. As an adult I can control my response.. I try to hide my reaction, if I have a second's anticipation I 'grin and bear it' - well, it's more like I 'dissociate' so as not to suffer the feeling. But I go tense all over. I feel an awful feeling like I'm being attacked. This happens for example at doctor visits when for example the doctor was checking for swollen neck glands - it was torture, or checking my hip joint - absolutely awful. Or my Granny is very fond of showing her affection by squeezing your thigh as you sit beside her - the pain of it for me is awful, I squirm inside but try to hide myself cringing, I bear it because I don't want her to feel rejected.
Also because inspite of it, I desire to be touched. I actually greatly crave touch. I daydream about being hugged and touched. I
crave it up to the point of being touched but then my body reacts. If someone touches me unexpectedly outside of my 'safe' areas and I have no time to hide my response, I could actually cry out and jump away or bat their hand away. This has been an embarassing reaction a few times - in other people's eyes totally disproportionate to their touch. I am concerned about how can I have an intimate relationship with the opposite sex? I have a huge desire for physical closeness but my body acts up.. The other person would inevitably feel rejected. My Mom mentioned that she felt rejected by me as an infant and child as I resisted her touch.
I still wonder at whether there's an overlap with psychological issues and which causes which? I also have issues with 'rejection' and thinking about it wonder how these two areas may relate... When someone hugs me (I've learnt to tolerate this, not enjoy) I still feel rigid inside and feel a part of me not trusting the other person really means the hug, therefore question can I really 'accept' it. 'Maybe they are really going to reject me?' is my feeling inside. If that makes sense. But also, I'm thinking now, maybe I learnt as a child that other people were 'dangerous' by that sense of being attacked when touched. I don't know. I don't remember being bothered by other children touching me as a child. I enjoyed rough and tumble and play-wrestling as much as others around me. I'm a bit confused! Didn't mean for this to be so long. I've never explained all this before even to myself. Just looking into it now because there is someone special on the horizon and I realise this is a real problem. Going to look into this brushing technique that was mentioned a few places. If anyone else has any thoughts about psychological elements I'd be really interested to hear. Thanks a million.