You are not alone

Hi- I lived with OCD since I was 12 years old (I'm 27 now). I have high anxiety and believe I also have SPD. I never use to repeat myself and be so descriptive with words; it wasn't until after I came out of a bad relationship just over three years ago that whatever SPD I did have was triggered more. I always had a sensory-input problem but didn't know if it was part of OCD because I can't seem to get it though my head that something I did was done and now- I don't always know if something I said was actually "said" and end-up repeating myself, whether it's a word or a whole sentence. I can't always process that I did something, like touch something or say something- so I say it or touch it again. I know I irritate people when I talk sometimes because I am so descriptive with my words and end-up repeating myself too but I can't help it. If I don't, I stress and get a headache and I usually shut-down and have it repeat in my head for hours, days or even rarely- weeks... until I resolve it by saying it somehow to the person that I wanted to say it too. My mother and sister can be insensitive and uncaring to my issues (my father divorced and left the family over six years ago), I don't mean to be annoying to them but they often tell me to just "shut-up" or "just stop" or that "I'm making excuses and am doing it on purpose" when I'm not.

I am a loner by nature but as my issues have worsened I have isolated myself more so and end-up often just talking to myself and then end-up repeating to myself or even objects in my room. Everything is in my head, I know- but even as often as I say that it won't stop. I would love to commit suicide and wanted to since I was young but my spiritual beliefs state that if I kill myself I have to relive the same kind of life over again somewhere else in this world, and I can't think of a worse hell then go through all this again.

I don't like going to sleep- so I stay up late a lot because I know I have to wake-up again and do all this repeating again. I sometimes have wondered if I am going insane. Conversations exhaust and drain me so I tend to avoid them as much as possible. I have been bullied a lot in elementary and the beginning of high school and never really had someone to "lean" on so I relied on talking with myself, I made everything around me have a voice and it's hard to avoid "everything"- if I think of my computer screen saying "hi" to me I have to think of/or say it back (because I need to say most of the same words someone/something says to me back) and try to say "end" or "done" before it starts criticizing me. I have some post-traumatic stress disorder too from when I was young and I "relive" a lot of what I went through in my head, sometimes it pops-up randomly and other times I can't help but think of it as they were such traumatic events that they can feel that they just happened recently. I get lost in thought a lot and have to catch myself thinking deeply so I don’t be late for work or end-up standing/sitting somewhere randomly and not realizing it until minutes pass. I’m not sure if that is because I also have some autism/or a kind of seizure I have. I cry almost every day and the most mundane things like relaxing, going to the bathroom, showering, making food; getting-up in the morning is a struggle.

I’ve been on a drug in high school for almost six months to help depression and OCD and it didn’t help- when I went off of it, my OCD back lashed on me and I felt the need to take a knife into my heart as much as it felt like having to repeat touching something, it happened three-four times within the last year I went off of it and it was extremely hard to pull-through that. I went off the drug and my fear of having to go through that again keeps me from trying others along with the fact that I have OCD, SPD, PTSD, high anxiety, maybe a bit of autism/or some kind of seizures with obvious flairs of depression (because of all of this) - I don’t think there is a drug to help all those without taking like four or five medications. All I can do is keep living, doing the best I can and remember that no matter how long some things seem to take for me to do, they too shall pass and I will move forward as always. Very few people know I have OCD and no one knows I have more than just that- I’m not a victim and I rarely talk about my issues but sometimes it feels good to get it out and this seems like a good place to do it and also to let others know that if they have what I have or something similar- you are not alone.