You are not alone

Hi- I lived with OCD since I was 12 years old (I'm 27 now). I have high anxiety and believe I also have SPD. I never use to repeat myself and be so descriptive with words; it wasn't until after I came out of a bad relationship just over three years ago that whatever SPD I did have was triggered more. I always had a sensory-input problem but didn't know if it was part of OCD because I can't seem to get it though my head that something I did was done and now- I don't always know if something I said was actually "said" and end-up repeating myself, whether it's a word or a whole sentence. I can't always process that I did something, like touch something or say something- so I say it or touch it again. I know I irritate people when I talk sometimes because I am so descriptive with my words and end-up repeating myself too but I can't help it. If I don't, I stress and get a headache and I usually shut-down and have it repeat in my head for hours, days or even rarely- weeks... until I resolve it by saying it somehow to the person that I wanted to say it too. My mother and sister can be insensitive and uncaring to my issues (my father divorced and left the family over six years ago), I don't mean to be annoying to them but they often tell me to just "shut-up" or "just stop" or that "I'm making excuses and am doing it on purpose" when I'm not.

I am a loner by nature but as my issues have worsened I have isolated myself more so and end-up often just talking to myself and then end-up repeating to myself or even objects in my room. Everything is in my head, I know- but even as often as I say that it won't stop. I would love to commit suicide and wanted to since I was young but my spiritual beliefs state that if I kill myself I have to relive the same kind of life over again somewhere else in this world, and I can't think of a worse hell then go through all this again.

I don't like going to sleep- so I stay up late a lot because I know I have to wake-up again and do all this repeating again. I sometimes have wondered if I am going insane. Conversations exhaust and drain me so I tend to avoid them as much as possible. I have been bullied a lot in elementary and the beginning of high school and never really had someone to "lean" on so

I relied on talking with myself, I made everything around me have a voice and it's hard to avoid "everything"- if I think of my computer screen saying "hi" to me I have to think of/or say it back (because I need to say most of the same words someone/something says to me back) and try to say "end" or "done" before it starts criticizing me. I have some post-traumatic stress disorder too from when I was young and I "relive" a lot of what I went through in my head, sometimes it pops-up randomly and other times I can't help but think of it as they were such traumatic events that they can feel that they just happened recently. I get lost in thought a lot and have to catch myself thinking deeply so I don’t be late for work or end-up standing/sitting somewhere randomly and not realizing it until minutes pass. I’m not sure if that is because I also have some autism/or a kind of seizure I have. I cry almost every day and the most mundane things like relaxing, going to the bathroom, showering, making food; getting-up in the morning is a struggle.

I’ve been on a drug in high school for almost six months to help depression and OCD and it didn’t help- when I went off of it, my OCD back lashed on me and I felt the need to take a knife into my heart as much as it felt like having to repeat touching something, it happened three-four times within the last year I went off of it and it was extremely hard to pull-through that. I went off the drug and my fear of having to go through that again keeps me from trying others along with the fact that I have OCD, SPD, PTSD, high anxiety, maybe a bit of autism/or some kind of seizures with obvious flairs of depression (because of all of this) - I don’t think there is a drug to help all those without taking like four or five medications. All I can do is keep living, doing the best I can and remember that no matter how long some things seem to take for me to do, they too shall pass and I will move forward as always. Very few people know I have OCD and no one knows I have more than just that- I’m not a victim and I rarely talk about my issues but sometimes it feels good to get it out and this seems like a good place to do it and also to let others know that if they have what I have or something similar- you are not alone.

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May 13, 2013
by: You are not alone.

Thank-you for the support and the suggestions, I have been actually looking into a support group for some time now. There doesn't seem to be any in my area so internet support groups seem to be the closest I can get too. Also, that doesn't sound strange at all to me- in fact, it makes alot of sense as the exercise especially with the large muscle groups as you mentioned will help get out the nervous energy and help you to relax more (I've been doing this more often as well.) All the best to you and your son as well, I hope the best for him and that his SPD and OCD can become less in time. I'll definitely keep sharing if anyone wants to know anything more. =)

May 10, 2013
by: Janice

So glad you could share your experiences on the forum. Perhaps a support group will may help you connect with others. Also (I know this sounds strange) but exercise will releave some of the SPD, especially the exercise with large muscle groups. My son uses Intuniv for the slows him down, allow him to sleep, and his OCD hand twitches show up less often. We have focused on psychiatry for him but now it is time for therapy to improve his cooping skills and feelings of isolation and low confidence. All the best...keep sharing!

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