My Conflict

by Anonymous
(New Mexico)

Hello. I am a fourteen-year-old girl, and I have been diagnosed with both SPD and ADD in different points in my life. As you can imagine, I have had many difficulties in my life. My SPD was diagnosed and treated when I was younger; however, I feel that it isn't so much that I have one or the other, or that the SPD has completely gone away due to early treatment- on the contrary, it affects my life daily. I believe I have both, and that they are heavily entwined. Please note that this isn't necessarily a scientific or strongly informed opinion, but rather a perspective shaped by my experiences and my contemplations of them.


When I was small, I had very many issues. If my parents raised their voices to a certain pitch, or if there was a large crowd, I would hide someplace darker and quieter, like under the piano. It was hard for me to go outside on a summer day without my eyes hurting from the bright light. I definitely had some problems, and a lot of them were treated, but the ones that remained continue to affect me. There were some other childhood complications (forgive me, but I would like not to go into detail) that affected this. Surprisingly-at least, I didn't think about it too much- the majority of my other methods for "tactile defensiveness" are deeply affiliated with my other diagnosis- my ADD.

Although I wasn't fully able to enjoy life and the things around me, I felt I could live through stories. It's surprising how much pain is reduced when, instead of being in a hot and noisy classroom where there isn't a good place to hide, you are on the other side of the planet, solving some ancient mystery or saving the world. I could list many benefits to this kind of defense, but the more I progressed through my life, the more I was- and am- concerned with the negative side of the coin. Often, I would say something silly or unorthodox and gain the fear and hatred of my peers. I have to admit, childhood complications play a large part in this, for the distance formed by the half-thoughts I blurted out caused me more pain than I thought my other condition would ever wreak upon me. I truly felt like a monster. And it's true that the youth tend to misunderstand things more than adults, but it still burned to feel like I had made no progress since my childhood. So although I have been caused a lot of pain by my sensory condition, the most pain caused would be by a person I love or respect fearing me because of my mistakes- seeing me as the monster I thought I was when I was young.

That has been my personal conflict- between what my body is telling me to do, and what my mind and heart want me to do.

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Jun 01, 2010
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Replies
by: Anonymous (conflict)

Spectrum: It's interesting that you say that, because I was almost diagnosed with autism. However, I am currently taking a medication that is meant for my ADD, but more or less helps with both of my disorders. Professional doctors have studied me and have said that I do not have autism, though. I'll still think about the possibility.

Random Commenter: Thanks a lot! I hope to accomplish some professional writing someday, so thanks for the compliment!

Jun 01, 2010
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Sort of random comment
by: Anonymous

So I just have a random comment~ you write really well! You can tell you read often! I teach school and enjoyed reading your post as you don't write like the average 14 year old! It is something to be proud of.

May 31, 2010
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autistic spectrum?
by: Anonymous

When the sensory disorder severely affects our lives. I think we should investigate whether it is on the autistic spectrum, for my experience in many cases: sensory disturbances may also be more or less autistic disorders. courage to ask for medical help to get better

May 30, 2010
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My Conflict
by: Anonymous

Thank you. That advice means a great deal to me. :)

May 30, 2010
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dear my conflict
by: Anonymous

life in itself can be difficult....don't be so very hard on yourself. SPD is livable...but difficult at times....WE all have little life quirks...but it seems so much larger to the one living it!!!

Remember, our thought processes can get us in trouble....when our brains process things with SPD we can blurt out things we wish we had not... it is okay....we have all said things before we wish we could have taken back....learn to laugh at yourself...learn to brag about yourself in your thinking process...try try not to be so critical of yourself....try a technique to calm yourself down when you get in a sticky situation....I love to sing to myself...most of all, pick your best assets and continue to focus on them...smile and be kind to those your meet....you will feel better....

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